The other night I had a dream about facing and fighting demons. I woke up the next morning and discovered bruises on my leg and hip in the shower. It's probably just coincidence, since I don't think I'm the type of person that the Devil would need to physically confront. Not even in dreams...the big sissy. Anyway, it did get me thinking about my personal demons and how I have had to confront them lately. Sometimes it just feels like an endless battle. Sometimes I feel I could use some therapy. But overall, I've dealt with many personal demons and come out successful. There are just a few that need work...
Student loans. I'm pretty sure they ARE a tool of the Devil. What's on my mind most of the time is my "investment in my education" and how payments are looming ahead, and I have no job still. I feel I've been pretty faithful to God's calling in my life, so I should have peace about all of it just knowing that He won't fail me while I'm following Him. As much as I want to have peace about it, I've tossed and turned many nights thinking about finding a job since I need money for a place to live, a vehicle, student loans...and the general upkeep of living (for me and my cat). Money. It's definitely a personal demon.
Men. Really, I should say "men." I tend to attract guys who act as boomerangs...they just keep coming back. They always expect me to treat them as a boyfriend, like we've never missed a beat. They also always want to go out for food/coffee and to catch up. I'm trying to find a way to act as a friend and helpful listener while also letting them know that there cannot be anything more than that. Ever. For some of them, it's even less than friendship it's, 'I'll be there if you're in trouble.' But I've never been one to be blunt when someone's feelings are on the line. I'm generally the nice girl, and it's really difficult when I'm forced out of that role. So you KNOW it's serious when I have to get in someone's face and hurt their feelings. And yet they still push it. So "men" and everything they bring with them...personal demon.
Self confidence. I would just like to say that this department has changed drastically within the last year. After my fiance and I broke up, I experienced the opposite effect from most people: I felt better about myself. Maybe just surviving that relationship had a lot to do with it, but that summer really helped too. I saw the changes in my appearance that I wanted to see, that I had been waiting to see for probably eight years. Once I tasted that confidence, I didn't really feel like letting go. I rarely have days now when I feel like I just hate the way I look...that was a frequent feeling in high school and some of college. Apart from appearances, I've also become really comfortable with myself and proud of who I am. I've learned to love who I am, and I think that loving the person you are is so important. However, I still have issues to work on: the days when I don't feel pretty, and the days when my humility might come into question. Personal demon.
You're probably wondering why you just went through a seemingly pointless list of MY personal demons. Well...they may not be important to you, but I think I know what might be: you're fighting demons too. Maybe you already know that you have struggles, just like I knew that I was dealing with issues. But what I didn't think about before that demon wrestling dream is that those issues really are demons, tools of the Devil that separate me from God. My issues with money, men, and self confidence create a chasm between God and myself that will remain or even widen if I keep dealing with them on my own and act like they're no big deal. You see, these are exactly the things that we are supposed to give over to God, our constant concerns and struggles. I think some worries become so day-to-day that we start accepting them as normal life instead of saying, "This is important and I need God's help to take away this burden."
Notice how, at the beginning, I said "I've dealt with many personal demons..."? It's not entirely true. The demons that I have faced and defeated have been the ones that I have taken to God in prayer, seeking His help to lighten my load and to help me deal. I don't want to say that that's what God is there for, but yes...it is one of His roles. He does want us to go to Him in prayer when we need help. And He will help us. Don't forget that we have that privilege, and don't take it for granted either. What a friend I have in Jesus...
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
-Philippians 4:6
