Well, it's been a long time since my last Shower Talk. I actually wrote one a while back, but decided not to share it. Unfortunately, I got too busy to write and eventually actually forgot about Shower Talk and all the dreams I had for it. However, these writings have really been on my heart and mind lately, so I decided it was finally time to write again.
This past semester I have gone through a spiritual "dry spell," although I would not have admitted it, and I am ashamed to say I let a lot of things and a lot of worries become more important than God. And instead of going to Him with my concerns, I decided to deal with them myself (or attempted to deal with them myself and just ended up with loss of sleep).
Recently I dedicated myself to getting back in the Word and to becoming more intentional in my prayer life. I also picked up a book I read a long time ago, "Live Like a Jesus Freak" by dc Talk in an attempt to get myself out of this spiritual slump.
The first chapter is labeled "Believe like a Jesus Freak." It was very beneficial, of course, and I was doing alright until I came to the questions toward the end of the chapter. The second question asks, "When your faith wavers or discouragement piles up on you, where do you turn?" Well of course the first thing to pop into my head was 'GOD!' But then, knowing I needed to be honest with myself in order to help myself, I took my pencil and wrote in:
Correct answer? God
Real answer: Friends & family
My initial reaction was, 'well crap,' but the second chapter ("Pray like a Jesus Freak") was the icing on my emotional cake. In this chapter there was a quote from Francois Fenelon, writer and philosopher, who wrote a book about prayer. The second paragraph from the excerpt of his book is what I struggled with most:
"But what, you ask, are you to do in times of dryness, inner resistance, and coldness? Do just the same thing. Say equally what is in your heart. Tell God that you no longer feel any love for him, that all is a terrible blank to you, that he wearies you, that his presence does not even move you, that you long to leave him for the most trifling occupation, and that you will not feel happy till you have left him and can turn to thinking about yourself. Tell him all the evil you know about yourself."
I read this and cried - out of shame and broken-heartedness. Shame because I knew all those awful things listed applied to me, and broken-hearted because that is not how I want to be anymore. I also knew that I did not want to pray that prayer because I did not want to admit those things to God, and then I felt even more ashamed because I knew God already knows every feeling I am not willing to admit.
The fact that I don't want to admit these things is just another symptom of my wanting to control the situation. I don't need to admit that my fire and passion for God are burning low because I think I can fan the flame myself. But I have to admit these feelings because the only one who can set me on fire for God is God. And if I don't/won't admit that I need help, I won't see that fire rekindled. The verse I'd like to share today I read in that first chapter and it is Psalms 71:14-15, 20 CEV
"I will never give up hope
or stop praising you.
All day long I will tell
the wonderful things you do
to save your people.
But you have done much more
than I could possibly know . . .
You made me suffer a lot,
but you will bring me
back from this deep pit
and give me new life."
Believe like a Jesus Freak. Pray like a Jesus Freak. Live like a Jesus Freak.
