What Am I Worth?

My time at Olivet has been a real project on my self-image. I bet many of you are like me, and tend to only focus on the negatives instead of seeing all the positives. Is it because we want the whole package, or because whatever is "wrong" with our bodies is the most important - therefore if that looks bad, everything does? Most importantly, what makes us think we don't make the cut when it comes to being attractive? Is it friends who appear prettier to you? Super models? The popular girl? Commercials on the television?

Unfortunately, this segment will only benefit a few because I can't speak on those. I have discovered what makes me feel so worthless at times . . . boys. Not all boys, just the pig-headed ones.

As horrible as it is, I cannot even tell you how many times I have been used, stalked, or verbally harassed. I had a “friend” ask me to give him a lap dance. I have been asked to make out repeatedly "just as friends." It seems like all this should make me feel attractive and desirable, right? No, of course not. You see, if you let guys talk to you and treat you a certain way for very long, you start to think that that is all you're worth, guys are all the same, and you will only be worth anything if guys find you desirable . . . and verbalize it. My R.A. (and friend) helped me to see that I am not happy unless I have a guy who likes me. I am not happy unless I have a guy in my life. Maybe I have dealt with too many guys who have harassed me, and when that is not happening, I feel like there is something wrong with me. That really saddens me. I have lowered my standards as a woman and I only feel good when I am being treated as a sexual object. Not only that, but I have let this happen so long, that my whole view of men has been tainted . . . yes, even Christian men. I have been lead to believe that all men are the same, and all of them have one thing on their mind.

One of my new friends has felt the repercussions of this. He is a good guy, but unfortunately it has been hard for me to trust him, because in the past, the only time a guy has been this sweet to me is because he wanted something. I think God sent him to me, not only so that I would have a new friend, but also so that my broken view of men could start to be pieced back together. I won't say that it's easy for me to trust men now because of one good guy. But no . . . they are not all the same and there is some hope.

My friend has not only changed my view of men, but he has started to change how I view myself. See, we started talking online . . . we have never met in person, even though we attend the same school. However he enjoys me for me . . . my personality. All my sarcasm and grumpiness even. I am really starting to understand when people say that you have to find your worth through Christ. You'll have to ask my friend . . . but I think my spirituality and Christian love have a part to play in him wanting to talk to me and put up with me daily.

I knew before that spirituality is important, but lately I have been really starting to comprehend how important it is. Without good character and Christian love, you don't have much . . . and the world would be in trouble. It isn't beauty that gets us into Heaven. It isn't beauty that makes us feel better after a tragedy. What good is a beautiful friend if they cannot provide spiritual support? What you begin to realize is that someone who shines with the love of Christ is truly beautiful in ways difficult to understand until we experience it ourselves.

I would never say that painting your nails, buying a new face wash, or eating healthier to lose weight is a bad thing . . . I just hope you are spending more time on your relationship with Christ than your relationship with the mirror.




"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
Proverbs 31:30

"And I want women to be modest in their appearance. They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves by the way they fix their hair or by wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes. For women who claim to be devoted to God should make themselves attractive by the good things they do."
I Timothy 2:9-10